The thing about hope.

Hope is a good thing until it isn’t.

For as long as I’ve existed, I’ve been told to keep hope alive. To believe that the challenges and uncertainty spiraling before me in present times are all part of a grand scheme, a bigger picture, a greater purpose and a profound success story. So when doubt settles in, when the wretched truth of the life we’re living becomes all too real and exhausting, Tovia was told to hope. And hope she did. It didn’t matter the circumstance, I just hoped.

But I recently realized that sometimes you simply cannot keep hoping. On some days you have to lay hope down, hold a funeral for it and scatter its ashes across the sea. Laying all that hope down at the expense of all you’ve ever known is an act of bravery. It took bravery to recognize that a particular situation no longer served me, to admit that something that once served as the reason my eyes lit up could in time be the reason I cried rivers. It’s an awful thing to come to terms with, it’s a truth the majority are not willing to accept and to be fair, I understand why.

I want to tell you that the minute I realized that things had gone soar, I packed my bags and left but I like you and I try not to lie to the people I like. What Tovia did when she came to terms with the realization that it was time to leave? She hoped. She clung on to all the things that should’ve, would’ve and could’ve been. Tovia kept hope alive. And after series of well embarrassing moments she would not be mentioning because she wants you to think she has her life together, Tovia learnt.

She learnt that you cannot hold on to things that don’t want to be held, because what’s not yours is not yours and even if you beg, plead and claw at it to stay it’ll leave eventually. Even if it sits a while with you, a day will come when you’ll resent it and nothing worthwhile comes out of resentment. It is for this reason that Tovia thinks you shouldn’t pick up broken glasses with frail hands, in hopes that you’ll be able to put them back together. I want to tell you that you can fix whatever is left of these situations and paint over the broken parts with gold but this is no kintsugi class. You simply cannot and I am learning that this is okay.

You don’t force yourself to eat food that has expired simply because it was once tasty and in the same vein you shouldn’t hold on to people that no longer suit you. I think Bianca says it better when she wrote “you cannot keep all that hope alive inside of you” Because it is the hope that kills you. It is the “what if’s” that have you tossing for nights but honey I’m pleading with you to pay the “what if’s” no mind. Pay attention rather to all that actually is.

Give yourself the permission to love from afar, to lay down hope, to free your soul and take flight.
I know it’s hard and it genuinely sucks but it’s one the best things you can do for yourself. Do it because you deserve to have beautiful memories, because you deserve the very best that life has to offer and holding on to past situations will cloud you judgement and have you settling.

So honey promise me that you won’t settle. I know I might be asking for too much but promise me also, just as I’ve promised Bianca that you won’t hate this person, that you will not remember their contribution to your life as anything but beautiful. Promise me that you’ll learn to love without attachment not for any other thing but for the simple fact that you deserve the best out of the wretchedness that is life and that you will work towards achieving this best.

Remember that there’s strength in vulnerability and have an amazing day🧡